I think. I feel.

Be me

2011-12-26T01:29:00.000+08:00

Have been posting on blogger a lot recently. Guess I still miss this space and how lively it was previously (like 2/3 years ago hahaha)

Was thinking for awhile about how much I've changed as a teenager to who I am today. To be honest, I've no clue of who I am or what I'm like, because I switch to different modes as quick as the weather in Singapore.

But there's one thing I know for sure. I'm really blessed with this group of people which I know as the mmg hahahahaha. We've been through quite a bit I guess, and being a group of people from different backgrounds, we've created a new platform and an unique identity for ourselves.

Every moment spent with them is well spent. I'm sane when I'm with them, but ironically, I'm actually the hyper and crazy kid there. Forget about the strategically posed photos with hollow smiles and rigid postures. What's special about us is that there's rarely a photo where everyone looks glamorous. Somehow, there's always a person who'll "screw" the photo up by looking funny. You do not need to worry if you're the only asshole who spoiled a nicely posed photo. It feels really comfortable being with such a group, there are no restraints and no boundaries in what we are "allowed" to do.

I love them and hope we'll always stay like this.

Dear Santa, Dear Dad

2011-12-25T02:40:00.000+08:00

I didn't write to Santa this year. I don't know why. Somehow, somewhat, I'm starting to doubt the existence of him...... I didn't bother to sleep before 12 midnight to let Santa come in. I wish I was still little and would find something special beside my bed when I woke up in the morning.

But life doesn't allow it.

Merry Christmas.

Memories

2011-12-14T23:50:00.006+08:00

Just to put things simply, I miss everyone. I miss syf and I already miss the concert. And there's nothing left for me to do but to just move on. I just hope that we'll all still remain this close. No amount of pictures/videos could ever take down what really happened and how I felt.

Back to reality, little girl.

This ineffable sadness in me

2011-06-20T22:23:00.007+08:00

Somehow, I find myself coming back here again. I feel like writing something. Idk.

Our lives are like categorised into chapters. And somewhere along those chapters, people come and go. They stay with you till you've come to a certain phase in life, and then leave you to meet new people and to adapt to new surroundings. We are all like 2 pairs of ordinary lines, intersecting each other once in a lifetime, then forever going further and further apart from each other. It's like... People exist in that particular phase of life to help us, guide us, until they leave suddenly. Why can't things be forever? When those people slowly leave, part of you dies, and someone else will come into your life, take over the role of that lost person and bring in a new part of yourself. Because people learn from each other, and when they interact long enough, you start to find more and more similarities. This is because parts of you are being copied (in a good way lol limited vocabulary forgive me) over. When they leave, your thoughts, your personality, the way you will react and behave to things gets passed on. But me myself also learn things from those passing people, and a part of them stays with me. It gives me relief yet pain, knowing that I'm still keeping memories and also making memories by myself, using what I've taken from them.

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known.”
— Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

Actually had a lot to say but this post has dragged too long, been at it for about 2 hours ago, so I've kina lost inspiration of what to write. I kinda miss those people in my life. I even miss some people which I don't even comprehend why would I miss them. I miss those people whom I know we'll slowly drift apart, even when we're still on talking terms now. I miss those people close to me but I'm scared that they'll leave soon. I miss those people whom I've only interacted with for a few days, and those perhaps months. And sometimes I just sit and think if my presence in that short period of their lives had made as huge an impact as theirs did to me. Somehow, I miss me whom those people who left had taken away.

♔

2011-06-19T15:23:00.004+08:00

“Writing down your thoughts is both necessary and harmful. It leads to eccentricity, narcissism, preserves what should be let go. On the other hand, these notes intensify the inner life, which, left unexpressed, slips through your fingers. If only I could find a better kind of journal, humbler, one that would preserve the same thoughts, the same flesh of life, which is worth saving.”

—	Anna Kamienska Excerpts from “In That Great River: A Notebook”

FUCK O LEVELS

2010-11-16T20:38:00.004+08:00

Ages since I came here. (Um about few days, but you get my point)

Os was being a really horrible bitch. Let's just sum it up in this little chart of my expectations:

English - B4

Chinese - A1

Higher Chinese - D7/E8 (Still can -2 plz not E8)

Emath - A1/2

Amath - A1/2 (Hope me crying during the paper doesn't mean I won't get my A1)

Chemistry - B4

Physics - C6

Literature - B3

Combined Humans - B4

L1R5: 14 (-4) at best, 16 (-4) at worst

I AM HOMELESS I CAN'T GET INTO A DECENT JC OR MY PSYCHOLOGY COURSE. MUST. GET. MACDONALDS. JOB. IMMEDIATELY.

Now I just hope that: Firstly, bell curve can save my sorry ass. Secondly, my expectations is too high. Thirdly, if my results are bad, the aeroplane loaded with my paper just burn but no human lives are at risk.

Peace out.

Pain creeping till 1

2010-11-04T22:00:00.003+08:00

2253 Thought of us again. So here comes the feeling that I thought I had forgotten.

Toy Story 3, Liar Game Final Stage, Study dates, Oyster omelette, Staying overnight at your house, Drawing a big smiley face on my school-u on grad day, Flea, Getting your birthday present. Bye. DELETE - Delete - delete - delete. delete.

Can we be friends again?

2010-10-31T22:00:00.002+08:00

Up to date, I screwed up almost every single paper for my Os... Yeah. Fml max. Anw I'm unable to put up pretty pictures here cuz I'm on my bro's mac hahaha. Just wanted to share this awesome poem which Eugene came up with (He was practising for Lit haha) It's based on my current facebook status, which is based on the 下一站幸福 song hahaha. It's a beaut. Thanks Eugene!

We cried on each other's shoulders in the past,
Though, now we roam: Things just didn't last.
I walked towards the stream, half a moon beamed,
The other half wallowed in the stream like a dream.

What can we say when we next meet up?
Talk of our future or anything under the sun?
When we shall sing and cry again?
When the flowers wither and the clouds start to rain?

What are we now?

2010-10-13T02:41:00.003+08:00

This time, I'm going to follow my mind first.

________

Sometimes I feel that I'm a good for nothing. My studies ain't terrific. I have zero common sense. I try too hard to be nice and spare a thought of others, so much so like a child trying to be good. I feel like I'm wasting my whole life away. (Esp today where I didn't study much except Stalin) I feel as though I'm headed towards no particular direction. Seeing people around me all geared up for the Os, yet I'm here brooding over little things. I don't know I feel really tired. Mentally and physically. It doesn't help when I'm trying to do Amath to cheer myself up and I ended up getting stuck on an O level question. Great, my best subject and I'm stuck at Paper 1 question 2. I feel so unprepared. Somestimes, they say that confidence is key to success. Yet when I feel confident, everything crashes. I have too high expectations of myself such that I would always disappoint myself. But when I have low confidence, I tend to just give up easily without putting up a fight. And after the recent spate of events, I feel so lost. I feel as though I have nobody to confide in, I feel that need to protect the secret. One day, I'm going to lock this website up so that I can just say out whatever I wanted to.

Meanwhile..... My aims for Os

English: A1/2

Higher Chinese: B4

Emath: A1

Amath A1

Chemistry: A1/2

Physics: B3

Literature: A1/2

Combined Humans: B4

Tell me how the hell am I supposed to get into Vj when my prelim results are like bullshit? It sucks when you're good, but not that good to be counted as really good. (Points fingers at Emaths and Lit) I need a 4 grade jump for Comb H, and a 3 grade jump for Physics. Seriously, I need some fairy to bless me and give me luck, just like what happened during PSLE. (At this point of time, MAJOR regret for picking CCHMS)

Back to normal/ better than nothing

2010-10-10T22:49:00.004+08:00

Miracles do happen.

TYY

2010-10-03T23:04:00.002+08:00

Live. Love. Let go.

Grad

2010-10-02T22:33:00.005+08:00

I'm kinda insane hur hahahahaha. This may prolly be the last post till Os are over. Unless I'm feeling real shitty again and start posting incoherent shit.

Anywayyyyyyy I'm freaking stoked. Graduation's in 6 days. Although 4BN has been real shitty as a whole, ya ikr, perhaps my opinion might differ after I graduate, but I'm thankful for everything because this is fate that we are all brought together. Through every single obstacle, I have grown stronger and more tolerant. Sometimes, we have to let go of things. Sometimes, we don't need to do much, just let things go as it is. I'm grateful to every single individual who has play an essential role in my life. No regrets, really no regrets. I'm grateful for those who picked me up when I fall, those who stood by me despite everything, those who were not close to me, but yet had the heart to help me. And especially, those who taught me a lesson. The key word was essential role. : ) Which means people whom made my life shittier, mwahahahahahaha. Just kidding, but yeah I'll make the best of what I can, let's not cross each other's paths anymore. I admit defeat.

It's really ironic that within just 1 hour of this week, it has made me experience the only thing I believed in - friendship loyalty. Seeing that what I believed in exists, I felt very happy and it warms my heart.

As we grow up now, a new chapter is going to unfold. And use the time we have now, to shape what we will become next year. : )

P/s: Little note for the future. Clothes do not make the man. It's just like "Make up can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup." But actually, you look ugly even with make up lol.

Realisation

2010-09-19T22:59:00.003+08:00

With love and acceptance, nothing's impossible if you set your mind on it. It's only impossible when you know you want things to be like that. In the heart, the choice is made. So, never use "This is how it works" as an excuse in life. But at least, now I know and all comes to nothing. Dust will return as dust.

算我笨。

Everywhere I go, every book I read, it seems to be reminding me something. Reminding me of my own life. All the characters in the book are so alike, experiencing the same thing. It makes me feel happy that such shit doesn't befall on me only. Yet sad that simple things keep reminding me of this shit.

Sadness will never be channelled into hatred. I will never look back anymore, what's ahead me 3 months later is a new life where I can start anew. New chapter. I will put aside the fact that I've established - Humans are always selfish.

Anyway, I figured I wanna do the last thing that I could within my ability. Blessings, and love. I will try to get what I know you would definitely want.

Motto till I heal: Stay calm. Be content. Don't be jealous. Give up. Be happy. Don't cry.

How now?

2010-09-14T22:22:00.003+08:00

Don't ask me anything. Don't ask me how I am. Don't ask me how the exams are. Don't ask me if I studied or not. Cuz you know the answer already. Everything is a no. Life has stopped for me, and I refused to move on, despite you moving on. Everything feels so hollow now, as I pretend, I act, I fake that I moved on. I refuse to forget everything I hold on so close to myself, refuse to take anything lower than I expected. Although I always say don't trust anybody, don't believe anybody, don't pin up high hopes, but I guess I still do. I thought things were improving, I thought everything's gonna be fine. But no, it crashes. And I crashed along with it too. I thought I meant something, but no, I don't. No effort put in.
_______

Christina Perri - Jar Of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cuz you left and I tell myself to leave you alone
Cause all that's waiting is regret
Is that what you feel? That I'm a mistake?
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
Not anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
And why am I still believing in it?
I learned to live, half alive
In order to survive
And now you want me one more time
Please tell me you do
Who do you think you are
Best friend? Or someone easy to discard?
Runnin round leaving scars
It hurts
Collecting your jar of hearts
Inclusive of mine
And tearing love apart
Not love love but yeah best friend love
You're gonna catch a cold
Unhealable
From the ice inside your soul
I promise to be cold, to not believe in friendships already
So don't come back for me
This is what I'm pretending to be
Who do you think you are
Used-to-be-s
I hear you're asking all around
I hope you are, it shows some hope
If I am anywhere to be found
I'll hide
But I have grown too strong
I wished I was at this stage already
To ever fall back in your arms
This sounds weird but as in by your side
I learned to live, half alive
Tryin', still trying'
And now you want me one more time
To be back the same again
Who do you think you are
Past tense or otherwise?
Runnin round leaving scars
Yet another deep one
Collecting your jar of hearts
I hope one day mine will harden to forget
And tearing love apart
One hard strike
You're gonna catch a cold
Alone against the unknown
From the ice inside your soul
I feel it slowly closing
So don't come back for me
Actually, please do so
Who do you think you are
What do you actually think you mean to me?
It took so long just to feel alright
From the last one
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
To try to believe in people again
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
"Kissed and make up", I thought it won't happen again
Cause you broke all your promises
I treated it seriously, and I fulfilled. To accept, but you?
And now you're back
I hope soon
You don't get to get me back
I'm figuring this one out
Who do you think you are
A lot more
Runnin round leaving scars
A scar on top of a scar
Collecting your jar of hearts
Just a term
And tearing love apart
Double kill?
You're gonna catch a cold
To have nothing to reply on already
From the ice inside your soul
To give up
So don't come back for me
I'm actually pretending to be like this
Don't come back at all
Is this what is happening?
And who do you think you are?
Your true feelings please
Runnin round leaving scars
Closed one, another appears
Collecting your jar of hearts
Boxed it up too
And tearing love apart
Don't escape already
You're gonna catch a cold
It will pass on
From the ice inside your soul
But the cure is stuck in the ice
Don't come back for me
Please
Don't come back at all
Do
Who do you think you are?
Should
Who do you think you are?
Be
Who do you think you are?
More

Thanks but no thanks

2010-09-13T21:25:00.004+08:00

Thank you, I hereby express my gratitude towards you. Our friendship has healed my previous wound. It made me thought it was just a difficult phase everyone had to overcome, and that once it was over, life would be normal again. But no thanks, for opening my wound again.

Sometimes, it hurts to be alone. Correction: All the time.

I lost

2010-09-09T22:36:00.006+08:00

Self reminder: I will survive. It's just another obstacle in life.

Jar of hearts. I got it.

Now, I'm going to reawake. My feelings relight, my senses come alive, my brain functions, my heart beats. After 2 years of slumber, I will wake up. I will wake up to find everything changing. As though this has all been a sweet dream, a coma. Is this what life has paved for me? How apt. Is this why recently my dreams has been so life-like? My dreams, were always a hint, a clue to prepare and lead me to this. To tell me to wake up now. To tell me that the past reality was a dream.

I forget your every feature. Your every trait. What you love. What you hate. Your existence.

(3+1) vs 1. You'll NEVER win.

People get tired

2010-09-07T23:17:00.005+08:00

Felt the need to blog. This is one of the rare times whereby I can't express myself in words. This is when everything gets sucky cuz all emotions wreck havoc inside me.

Life is about choices. But now I'm letting others' choices affect my life. I know this is wrong, but I think I'll just wait for that choice to be made and then let it decide how I'm supposed to live.

You know what? Yes I have changed. I’m not as nice as I used to be, because I
don’t want to get used or walked over, I don’t trust everyone and tell them my
secrets, because behind every fake smile is a backstabbing bitch. I distance
myself from people because in the end, they’re only going to leave. I have
changed because I have realized that I’m the only person I can depend on.

Got it from tumblr. : ) This is me.

(3+1) against 1. You'll never win.

What happened to talking to me the next day?

2010-09-06T23:36:00.004+08:00

I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone and sacrifice. I just want an answer.

***

Judging from my dream, I'm guessing that I'll score badly for Amaths Paper 1. : ( Paper 2's out to kill..... So I guess I won't expect much outta it. In fact, don't expect anything much from anyone. This saves you from disappointment. And it also guarantees happiness, cuz you always expect the worst and normally it's gonna be better. I kno right, my strategy like pro only lar. (Hears applause)

: (

Rude

2010-09-06T00:12:00.003+08:00

Basic courtesy. I'm not saying anything till I find out something.

***

I just realised this...... Stats function thing in blogger which is damn cool cuz it tells me that there are actually people reading this shitty website. This is so amusing. And most of the people use Google Chrome. Why?!?! I use Internet Explorer. : ) Plus there are people from Japan reading this pile of junk. Japan? (Inserts O.O) They can read English? Oh joy English is so powerful.

But this also scares me hahaha it means there are people whom I don't know that is reading things about me and it kinda creeps me out but I don't think they care anyway. It's time for me to stalk all of you woohoo.

Brother and Sister

2010-09-04T12:35:00.008+08:00

Thanks for:

Being more retarded than me.
Attempt to wait for me till I off the comp but you were always too tired to wait and went to sleep anyway.
Buy snacks for me woohoo.
Being a complain king and complain to mom about me!
Try to act all mature and pretending everything's fine then suddenly cry. (Ikr, grow up dude heh)
Being an idiot.
Teaching me English for my journal writing hahahahaha.
Helping me play bejeweled.
Waking me up during school days.
Making me a Hibari card woohoooOOoooOOOoOOOOoooooooOOO~
Doing stupid stuff with me when I want to.
Playing Barbie with me when we were young EPIC HAHA
Letting me ks you in using your mac. (This one most impt)

***

GG tuition in 2 hours. Gotta rush out 3 chapters of electricity homework. Till then.

Up and running

2010-09-03T21:32:00.003+08:00

I want to be the kind of person who can do that. Move on and forgive people and
be healthy and happy. It seems like an easy thing to do in my head. But it’s not
so easy when you try it in real life.
—Waiting For You, Susane Colasanti

***

It's just a post it that I saw and thought it was cool.. All in all, NOTHING PERSONAL. Ha ha ha.

***

I'm a frickin' kid. I'm sixteen. I should be having fun, taking drugs, going crazy..... Not really. But along these lines. I should be lovin' the god damned world. I still want to have simplistic thoughts. Like "Oh no he smokes, he is a bad guy!" and not "Oh gosh he smokes. Why does he smoke? Does he have a choice? What is the meaning behind this? Is it a way of escape for him?" You kno what fuck this shit, thinking shit loads = not good. Ok I shut up I'm just spewing all shit out on whatever I am thinking so I can look back and laugh at myself hahahaha. I hope this is a childish mindset whereby I can sit in front of the screen 10 years later and laugh at myself. (Inserts shakes head)

***

I think I should change my mindset about jokes and all. I can't take jokes about me cuz I feel that behind each joke lies the truth and it always brings me down. Woohoo.

10^9 smileys : ) : ) : ) Life is still beauuuuuuuuuutiiiiiifuuuuuuul

(Idk why but I keep editting stuffs hahaha)

P.s./ I thinkzzzz I amzzzzz addictedzzzzz to miseryzzzzzzz hahahahahazzzzzz

I forgive you

2010-09-02T23:14:00.003+08:00

A mirror.

1 more day. : ) Just 1 more day, to cover 100km. And then........

: ) : ) Positive thinking. (+)ve thinking.

100km is not far enough to deter the way things should be. Stretch out.

I am numb

2010-09-02T00:06:00.003+08:00

Don't wanna think, don't wanna feel. I want to be hollow.

Have been rejecting food, rejecting sleep. I'll try to focus on Chemistry and Emaths. The only thing I can look forward to now is going back up. I'm at the deepest, I'm at the lowest. Nothing can go wrong now. (Actually can lar prelims and all shit) Times like these are whereby I can only feel that I'm living for my brother. Wonder how it'd be when I read this shit in future. Hopefully by then I'll be a rich and successful person who's contented and happy. Hopefully.

Is it possible to change myself? Sometimes it's so hard to be normal. As I'm typing this, I feel like Charlie Gordon. Except I'm not. But I want to be Charlie Gordon. I want to believe that life is fair, life is fun and friends who laugh at me are friends who love me. I want to believe that those scientists wanna help me cuz I have the will to be clever, not that I'm just their guinea pig. I want to have faith, I want to believe in something. I want to know how it feels like.

Few years down the road, I'll think I'm just insane ha ha ha.

Lowering temperature

2010-08-31T23:08:00.006+08:00

What am I? What is my purpose? What do I want? Thinking is stupid. But not thinking is stupider. So I'd prefer to think. When you're thinking, you momentarily forget things. And you just think. Yeah then afterwards it'll be shit. So sleeping is always better. Always. Dreams always brings me to random shit places that makes me interested in life once more. Dreams mould me into another person to live the life they live. (Hahaha 3 live/life so confusing) Dreams take away me... From me. Wlao idk lar this doesn't make sense but it makes sense to me. But recently my dreams are mother fucking crap it's all reality-dreams. Everything I see is the same whether or not I'm sleeping. What the fuck. Cuz I don't have an escape, I thought I'm born like that with multiple character dream for me to cut off. In real life I can't. Then now like that. This is stupid. Now I don't even like sleeping.

And recently I keep missing 11:11. Both 11:11. Some say a day has two 11:11 cuz everyone deserves a second chance. But fuck my both chances all gone. Fuck you clock, fuck you and your clock family.

Sigh.................... Good for nothing.

________

(Edit) I'M GONNA BE POSITIVE. I'M GONNA WAIT FOR THE BIG BAIT. I NEED HIGH TOLERANCE (AKA HIGH ACTIVATION ENERGY WOOHOO CHEM PAPER ON FRIDAY) I WILL WAIT. I WILL WATCH. I WON'T SACRIFICE A MOMENT OF RELIEF FOR THAT BIG ONE SWOOP CATCH. THAT DEFINING MOMENT WHERE I CAN SPIT OUT ALL MY SALIVA MY MUCUS MY INNER LINING OF THE STOMACH WHICH CONTAINS HYDROCHLORIC ACID. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU (Inserts black hearts) I'M FUCKING EXCITED NOW I HOPE MY POSITIVITY LASTS.

SELF CONTROL. ANGER MANAGEMENT. SELF DELUSION. GOTTA CATCH EM ALL

Xw

2010-08-30T20:45:00.016+08:00

If you wanna go and die, just go. Don't torment everyone through your daily threats. I don't even feel for you anyway. You're just a matter that occupies space. You're those kind of person every mother would say to their child "Look at her. Look carefully. Don't be like her."

Don't affect the ones I love, please.

***

I see her on the floor. I see her eyes, eyeing out. She wants to dash out when nobody is looking, she want to breathe the air on higher grounds. yet she always turns behind, to see that shadow. Bunned hair, wrinkled hands, daring her. "I dare you to go, just go and step out." She stops thinking. She inched backwards, back to staring at the almost non-existent book. Words, lines, plot - nothing seemed to go into her head. If she was lucky, she had the television to see how the world is like. If not, household chores seemed to be the second choice.

"I want to commit suicide!" she screamed as she waved her hands around. From then on, I knew, that she is fading away. Day by day, she smiled and turn angry the next second. She was losing her mind. She sees knifes, scissors. She touches them, smooth, shiny metal seemed to reflect her whole life on it. She imitated the television drama actors, she grabbed the scissors hardly, edging close to her skin. She know she can't do it. She's afraid.

But I saw her. I saw her. I was right in front of her. Somehow, she didn't see me. Why can't she see me? Being with her all my life, why can't she notice me? Did her tears blind her up?

She trembled. As though waking up from a trance, she turn at me angrily "I'm just looking at it!" She stormed off. Crossing my arms, trying my best to act like I had something over her which would make her obey, I stared. I stared. I walked. I stared. Seeing she's back to the corner she's born to be in, I left. With a tear in my eye.

Wait. Why I am sad? She is nothing. She's nothing to me. She's just ... A person I don't know. She is everything I'm not. I have everything she wants. Oh yes... I'm sad for her. I pity her. Cuz I have EVERYTHING she yearned to have. I'm superior.

Yet she took a part of me when she went away. I can't find what she took away. I can't find it. I want to find it. Where is it? Why can't I see? Why? Where? How did she do that? I cannot be touched! WHERE IS IT?

She was blood. Slow and pain, but fast and cooling. Explosive at the wrong times but steady too. She can't stop unless she wants to. For she is blood. Everyone needs her.

***
Edit 1

A human's thoughts can never be penned down. A thought is cruel, unforgiving and one-sided. The ugliest nature, the worst trait is revealed. Anger is the wife. Anger goes with thoughts. Anger hides in hidden thoughts. Until you lose control. And open your heart with that pen. And find instant relief. Only to regret one thing - Knowing that person. Going through each tedious step in the mind, but finding a temporary cure. Thoughts pushes its limits, thoughts bangs against the head, and bangs again. Sooner or later, it has to be let out. Time defined the sanity. Sometimes I tell myself, 16 years is long enough.

***
Edit 2

A pretty vase, China pottery. Glazed with a coating, painted by an artist. Smash. I broke it. I picked it up. I fixed it. Smash. I broke it. I picked it up. I fixed it. Smash. I broke it. I picked it up. I fixed it. Smash. I didn't break it. It decided to break on its own.

***
Edit 3

Kick me. I will fly. I will risk. I will try. When I die, I guess it won't hurt. Will it? I don't want pain. I hate pain.

***
Edit 4

Each and every of us and unique individuals. We are born alone and go alone. yet during our whole course in life, we keep on searching for someone who understands us. Which the chances are... Zero. Why bother? I just hope there isn't afterlife whereby I get reborn and go through this shit again.

1.5years

2010-08-26T18:00:00.003+08:00

I want you to need me more than I need you; I don’t want to rely on anyone else for my happiness, but I want you to notice whenever I’m not around, to be sad whenever I don’t have time for you. It’s probably selfish and mean, but I want you to hurt when I don’t have time for you, whilst I barely notice your absence; maybe then you’ll see how it feels to be me.

I was just a stepping stone to support you when you fall. Now that you're steady, you want to climb higher. You want to ditch me. 'Nuff said, you used me. Look now, I'm gonna give up all this shit. I'm gonna turn numb. I'm gonna show you I don't care a fuck about you anymore.

Leave me in the lurch now. I will be fine. I have to be fine.

How many hearts can we kill?

2010-08-23T00:08:00.004+08:00

I always wanted someone to be frank with me. Out in this big world, I know that there WILL be someone who hates me for who I am, or who I appear to be. But humans are silent killers, they keep mum. They don't want their ideas to have impact on others impression of them. I want someone who has the guts and yet the heart to tell me that. That person's gonna walk up to me in real life and say "Hey, I really hate you. But... I wanna change my impression of you. Could we find a way out?" I want someone to try make that difference, to be truthful enough to tell me their feelings, to have the guts to tell me in my face, and yet sensible enough to want to change it and the will to let go.

True enough, the word "hate" would send me to epic angriness (?) cuz humans would wanna get acceptance from everyone around us. Yet what lies behind, would definitely touch me.

R

2010-08-21T23:58:00.004+08:00

I never had a grudge with you until I realised you're god damned rude. When people praise you, you ignore for fuck? At least say thanks right. You are not that mighty. Now, you forget me. Am I that insignificant? By the way, don't talk bullshit don't create jokes. I don't take jokes. You deserve the shit you're in now, I will watch you fall.

Kill 'em all

2010-08-10T21:07:00.004+08:00

Sometimes you have to run away, so you can see who will run after you. Sometimes you have to talk quieter, just to see who's actually listening. Sometimes you have to take a step back, just to see who's still standing by your side. Sometimes you have to make a wrong decision, just to see who's there when it all falls down. Sometimes you have to let go of the one you love, just to see if they love you enough to come back.

I adhere to this every single day. If you only realised what I was trying to do. All these sounds like awful shit, but it means a great deal to me; for me to be able to trust you. As bitchy as it sounds, I was testing you.

2010-08-09T21:22:00.005+08:00

TIRED. I'm sorry for being too boring. I don't hang out at the movies, I don't take pictures often. I'm not updated with gossips, neither do I bitch around. I am not interesting and I lose control often. I'm sorry for not being what you thought I needed to be.

2010-08-08T23:33:00.003+08:00

You didn't give a damn about what that would do to me.

Suffocate. You bring this word a whole new meaning for me.

I'm gonna give up soon

2010-07-22T23:43:00.002+08:00

These little non-living creatures are like amazingly pretty!!!!!!

English Oral today turned out to be fine...... I think. Stm at it's best, I have already forgotten what I told the examiner hahaha. Sometimes it's really good to just... Accept things as they are? Or maybe I just couldn't care less anymore.. I don't know. I'm starting to get back my drive for the Os already (I think, again) And I've been snacking like hellllllllllllllllllllll I think I just heard my thighs jiggle.

To those who have given up on love, I say, "Trust life a
little bit."
- Maya Angelou

2010-07-16T21:43:00.001+08:00

I feel selfish

2010-07-15T20:39:00.003+08:00

Whoever said that their hearts felt like it's being ripped apart lied. Actually it's those kind of feeling whereby your heart is getting skinned layer by layer, a thin cover bit by bit. Until there's nothing left, then you won't be able to care anymore cuz it's numb.

If I ignore you, don't ignore me back Try and get my attention.
If I brush
your hand away as you try to hold it, grab it and let me know
you really
care. Don't just give up.
If I seem like I'm doubting you, reassure me that
this is one out of a
million obstacles we're gonna go through in this
relationship. Don't get all
depressed and beat yourself up about it.
If
you get the feeling that I want to leave you, don't just sit back and
watch
me. Don't say "You can leave me if you want to." Fight for me. Tell me how
much you want me to stay.
I'm just a girl. And I need to feel needed
sometimes.

A friendship is a relationship too.

2010-07-14T23:51:00.003+08:00

When you get so frustrated with how people think of you, how people judge you, such that violence is no longer of use. I can't even kick a table, just for me to concentrate the pain on the feet and ignore the pain in my heart. I can't even slam the door, just to hear what my scream would sound like. I even can't scold vulgarities, just to make myself look tougher. I can't isolate myself, cuz I know I need someone to tame me down. Someone who cares to look over the reasons for violence, to help me.

I want people to judge me in a way I like. I want them to know that I'm just like each and everyone on them. And in the end, I'm just being hard on myself.

2010-07-14T21:34:00.002+08:00

All I know is if you are important enough, your friend would be willing to sacrifice for you. But in this case, no. She's as important to you as I am. Don't tell me that I mean the most to you or whatever fuck shit. I won't believe anymore. Words can't help you anymore. Only actions prove your stand. If I'm really as important as what you say I am, then please, choose the person. I'm fucking tired of ignoring those little things that make me sad. Yeah, you reminded me how selfish humans are. They want the best of both worlds. I don't give a fuck (Yes teach you new acronym on how I'm feeling IDGAF) whether without you I'll be alone or whatever. JUST FUCKING END THIS THING. After today I felt like I don't know you at all. All the little secrets we shared - exploited. Like........ Even insignificant people know about what I thought used to be special things that kept us close. I felt like.... I'm anybody else to you. Yes, it's those little things that FUCKING HURTS. True friends don't hurt each other. True friends don't lie. True friends are willing to give and take. It's these little things that makes a friendship beautiful. All the things I thought we shared.

I thought you were better than this but you're just like everyone else.

Bitch u

2010-07-11T21:35:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I wanna grind your innards. Stab you repeatedly and twirl a sword in your stomach. Claw your face till it bleeds. Wear spiked shoes and slowly step on each and every finger of yours. But reality is harsh and I can't do such stuff... So I might as well own you in the Os and show you what I'm made of. I will make you regret for messing with me, Vanessa Tan

Chinese Orchestra

2010-07-09T22:37:00.002+08:00

I feel so happy and it's been ages since I felt happy.
It's my first time opening my heart to my juniors. Idk why but it's when I stepped down that I realised I still have the passion for co. I'm glad to know that my words have impacted on them and they realised that they have to work hard. It's sounds stupid, but it's like I finally saw them grow and understand. It's like those type of "There's still hope in the world" kinda feeling... And it touches me. I'm very proud of them. : )

Fub

2010-07-08T22:16:00.001+08:00

Running in circles, I don't know what I'm doing is right anymore.
The next time I see a blind person, I would donate money. Cuz today, I finally experienced being in the darkness. Fuck it was scary and all... Being able to see is really a blessing.

2010-07-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

400th post! : )

And my blog is unprivated again! : )

2010-07-01T21:02:00.001+08:00

Today is the day I feel rather happy. When I'm not supposed to. Hmmm is that a sign to me?

2010-06-30T23:06:00.001+08:00

Are you happy?

Sometimes you thought something won't mean so much to you. Yet when it disappears, you feel pain. Then... You realised. You were deceiving yourself. You can't live alone in this world.

Truly me

2010-06-29T21:43:00.006+08:00

I am not confident.
I know I am smart, but not in
the ways that count.
I read people much better than books but I never
Have the words to explain my findings.
I'm only as funny as I feel.
And I do not think I'm pretty.
I sometimes walk with my head down.
My posture is terrible.
I think horrible things about people and I let
My emotions get the best of me.
I'm really not as nice as I'd like to
be,
Or as innocent as you'd think I am.
I am a perfectionist.
I am a
contradiction to everything I want to stand for.
I'm a big dreamer with
little motivation.
I am really no good at all, on my own.
But I am
analytical with myself.
And I don't understand how anyone could ever be
cocky
Or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things
That
they think and do, but no one knows.
We're all broken enough to be
humble.
Anonymous

To add onto it, I don't believe in anything. I learnt how not to trust anybody, how not to let anyone break through the wall I've created. Also, I've seen too many people leave, I want assurance. Whoever that person is, I feel exactly like this. This whole paragraph sums up who I am. Now, I don't know what I'm doing already. All I know is I want to be happy, I know I deserve more than this but yet. I don't know why I'm feeling so down, when the other party lives on without me. I feel so messed up. Especially when nobody is understanding how I am feeling, nobody can actually see things from my point of view. I don't want to give in anymore. My whole life, I wanted to be nice, I give in I forgive I forget. I don't want this. I'm not going to suffer because I step down. I want to be happy and I'm going to be happy.

But is this right? I want to know that what I'm doing is right.

Family

2010-06-28T21:48:00.004+08:00

Today I finally understood what my mother told me. "Everyone else can leave you, but your family stays" Your family loves you and accepts you for who you are and they know you the best. Just as I was in tears, sitting in the bus alone, I felt like I had nothing to hold on to. And I received a message. "When you coming back? I got twisties and mars bar for ya." It was my brother. Although I have never told him anything before, but amazing he hit it right on the nail. I will gorge myself when I'm upset and knowing that I had a very long craving for mars bar, he bought it for me. It may sound gluttonish or childish, but in the end, my brother still loves me. Now tears of joy washed my sadness away. Despite me always bullying him, him throwing a temper and both of us ignoring each other. In the end, friends will leave you or they will betray you. But a family will always stay. Friends whom I have seeked solace in don't understand me, but yet my brother, whom I've never talked about how I feel or what I'm going through, knows how to deal with me when I'm at the worst.

2010-06-05T21:40:00.004+08:00

Can we leave it as it is if I say I'm the bitch, I'm the one at fault, I started it? Cuz I know in everyone's heart, I'm really the one at fault. I see it in their eyes. I'm fighting the losing battle. I'm feeling what everyone is not. There's no such thing as "There's no right and wrong". No matter what it is, people side with what they feel, side with what they think is right. And once there are more people feeling that something is right, it automatically becomes the 'right' thing. It leaves people feeling otherwise 'wrong'.
Giving people things they think that is the whole story, just to satisfy their curiousity.

2010-06-03T22:09:00.001+08:00

THE WORLD IS FUCKING BLIND

Trapped in by regret

2010-06-01T22:12:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you do not wear glasses, is so that you can either not see how the world is like, or you do not want to see how people are hurting you. You do not want to see who is it, you are afraid that it is the people you care or love.

Or at least this is how it is to me.

Shock->Denial->Anger->Disappointment->Questioning->Depression

Wake up call?

2010-05-26T17:52:00.002+08:00

I'm afraid. My level position dropped to 219. First 200+ ever since Sec 1 SA1 (Failed to get into Secondary school momentum at that point of time)

People tell me have faith in myself. But... I don't. I don't believe in miracles, don't believe in faith, don't believe in confidence, don't believe in beliefs. I need something to prove to me that it works out. I need evidence. I need my constant good results to prove to me that I can do better. But this time proved me wrong. From 3rd in class to 7th. From 170 in level to 219. I feel like a loser now. I felt like everyone could just trample on me. Results are the only thing faithful to me, or at least I thought. I thought they'll stay with me, everyone I love changes, everything I love changes. But my results stay, or get better. But now... It all crashed. As pathetic as it sounds, results mean a lot in my life. They remind me that I'm not useless. They make me happy as I know that nobody would ever look down on me if my results were good. Results are the proof of my existence. Results make me feel accepted by my family.

Now it seems all blurry. It seems that I'm not that good at anything afterall. I tried to change this thinking of mine. I can't. I'm lost, not knowing what to do. I think I really need emotional help or something like that. Panic attacks are killing me.

We were all blind

2010-05-25T00:42:00.004+08:00

Mom, I wished I wasn't schooling too. If you're stressed, you think I'm not? I wished I didn't get the blue form too. I wished my results were good too. I wished I didn't had to stay up late to rush my homework too. I wished I have more sleep too. I wished my tuition wasn't at 10pm too. I WISHED YOU REMEMBERED TODAY IS THE DAY THAT YOU BROUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD 16 YEARS AGO TOO.

F M L

Love

2010-05-23T21:57:00.004+08:00

10th grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "Thanks." and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick." she said; he's not going to go. Well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't thinking of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her prefect body floated like an angel up on the stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her hand from my shoulder and said "You're my best friend, thanks." and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A few years later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "You came!" She said "Thanks." and kissed me on the cheek, I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of the girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I wanted to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! "I wish I did too..." I thought to myself, and I cried.

So did I cry. : (

Moderate

2010-05-18T20:38:00.003+08:00

SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST BORN WITH TRAGEDY IN THEIR BLOOD

Is it because I was too cocky? I thought this day would never come. I thought my Amath would forever be an A1. I thought I was good enough. But... I wasn't. I've let myself down, I've let Mr Ng down, I've let Mr Teo down, I've let Miss Woo down (And no, Miss Woo, A2 is not worth celebration ok I didn't do well and I know it) I hate this feeling. I hate screwing up my best subject. I hate screwing up Emath too. I hate seeing the answer script that is full of fucking idiotic mistakes like 2x1=22. I am fucking with my mind.

I want to know how to stop spending all my time feeling emotional and panicking. I hate it when I can't breathe. It's the first time I cried so hard for studies. First time I was suffocating, yet inviting those pitiful stares. I don't need them.

And fuck parents. I'm here blogging because I still don't care about my results. You think I can tell you all my troubles? No. That's why I'm here. I have feelings too, I feel sad too. You mean I'm supposed to keep them all in my heart? You care about the numbers of As I get, the number of fails I get. Not me. Not my feelings.

Prelims 2. We can only say Prelims 2.

HMD

2010-05-09T22:46:00.002+08:00

If friendship was this easy.... Life would be wonderful. On the other hand, Happy Mothers' Day to all momssssssssssssssszzzzzzzxxxxxxxxxxcccccccccvvvvvvvvvcccccccxxxxxxxxxzzzzzssssss.

(Irony of the day: My mom bought me jellybeans when... I didn't get a something) But I made an awesome card filled with awesomeness oozing out!!

Fuck u David

2010-05-08T19:42:00.002+08:00

You shout at people, dissing them off. And now you're scolding people. You think that I was the one who dissed the person when you did it. Grow a fucking brain. You're near 60, did your brain malfunction? Don't tell me about me not contributing to the family. Define contribution. Your definition is sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilet bowl, fixing things. Mine is simple. The best contribution is to keep the family warmth alive. So fuck off. Even in your definition, you don't do anything at all. You expect a 12 year old boy to wash toilet bowls, to fix the electricity, to do things he shouldn't be doing. You're not even being human, I see you 2 hours on average a day. How do you even know that I'm not 'contributing' to this family? You mean you left your eyes at home? I'm sure that 10cm^3 brain of yours could do the minimum and do the Math. Don't tell me about superiority or respect. Because you have to gain it. You don't assume you're the greatest, cuz you'll be making an ass out of yourself. Don't act like you're the boss, you have your faults too.

YOU CAUSE THE CHAOS IN MY WORLD.

High

2010-05-07T23:28:00.002+08:00

School is slowly eating me up. The examinations are overwhelming, seeing me not have enough time to study, not knowing the syllabus well enough, screwing up things I thought I once knew. Now, even my best is down, what else can I count on? Don't the school know how greatly they'll impact us? We fall once, we get back up. The second time we fall, we crawl back up. The third time, we'll stay there. We'll turn stagnant. Ruining our egos won't help.

Getting comfortable with your new face

2010-04-30T22:26:00.003+08:00

You always try to impose your ideas on me. You want me to be the ideal daughter in your mind. I am sorry, I'm too imperfect, too unworthy of you mighty presence. Have you ever thought that you are the one who crafted me into what I am now. How I will never believe in trust, never believe in love, never believe in hope. Your cynical nature affected me, I am a mirror of who you are right now. And now you are telling me you don't understand why am I like this, you felt that you didn't teach me all these.

No, you didn't. But your every action gave me a point to learn from. The way you showed me how cruel the world is, I believed you. I am now suffering the same misery as you are now, when I am a quarter of your age. Have you never thought how badly you will affect me? I don't want to live in your narrow world view anymore. I want to try to believe. But there's always this invisible barrier. Thank you, you successfully shaped me and it is gonna stay this way.

Now you regret. You should have never brought me into this world right? The frustration I am giving you. What I am disappointed is that you never knew me. You gave me the impression that you are such a hard hearted person, I don't even want to show you who I am. The person supposed to know me best, doesn't know me. You pictured who I was in your mind, I'm disappointed. I never knew you thought I was such a person. Who were you exactly facing in this past 15 years? Parents can be wrong too, for you are not god. Stop thinking things in that fucking narrow world view of yours, stop thinking you are never wrong, stop denying your mistakes.

I hate it when the only person who knows me is my diary. The only thing I am comfortable being with. I hate it when you wake up, hoping for a fresh start, just to feel the dried up trail from your tears.

Then again, it is setbacks like these that makes you harder, colder so that you will never get hurt again. There will motivation in finding out why human relations are so complex. Why I'm pondering about taking psychology. There is 2 sides to everything after all.

Hard to breathe

2010-04-23T20:56:00.003+08:00

Selective trust. This is what I've realised today.

Yes, it might have been true that I told some people that I didn't and will never trust anyone in this world. But yet, at times, I fall into the trap of leaking out a part of me to some. I went against my principals and did something I deem as 'out of folly'. But today, I've come to find out that it may be possible to trust people. Partially, not totally.

Nobody is 100% trustworthy, humans err, they lie, they spill secrets. Therefore, you will only choose what they need to know. What you would disclose to them such that they would be satisfied with that little bit of information without knowing what's behind that curtain of truth. Yes, I too, am falling into the vicious cycle of lies. But I am human too.

You could only entrust someone with a secret that either he/she would not benefit at all if he/she disclose it, or that he/she is involved in it, thus not wanting to spill the beans. The crux of this 'game' is not to feel guilty. Keep in mind that the other person will definitely be keeping something from you, everyone is in it.

Life, afterall, is an ongoing drama. You are on the stage. Act.

You hurt me

2010-04-21T21:27:00.004+08:00

When was the last time:

You cried yourself to sleep

Your world view is being crushed

You felt unwanted

You were helpless

You tried to care till you're sick of it

You gave up

You wanted a hug

40.0

2010-04-16T19:06:00.004+08:00

I was sick yesterday. Just reminds me of how I would always be sick before important examinations hahaha.

Today, I went to the family doctor. When I reached the clinic, I felt very attached to it. Since I was a baby, I went to this clinic whenever I was sick. The people there watched me grow up, both the doctors and the assistants. Now, they could still remember me and it almost felt like they were my family members. When it was my turn to enter the room, I saw Dr. Koh, she looked exactly the same, and I wondered how did she maintain her youth. Not only did all of ours ages increase, the price of the medicine too. Freaking rip off 40 bucks grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. But anyway... I would never change to another clinic.

After collecting the medicine and having 40 bucks fly outta the pocket, my mother and I walked to the car park. When I passed by the market, I vaguely remembered how I would go to the wet, gross, narrow market with my mother when I was small. I remembered how reluctant I was to follow her, but also happy that I was with my mother. This was how attached I was to my mother last time. When my mother caught me staring, she asked if I would want to walk pass the market as it would be faster to reach the car park. Now, I shook my head vigorously even though my mom said the market is much cleaner after renovations. I wonder what happened to my excessive love for my mother.

Then, I saw the bread shop, coffee shop, the buy 4D/TOTO place at NTUC, the split way pavement. It was overwhelming. Although everything has changed, but I could remember how they used to be. How I would always eat bee hoon soup after school while waiting for my mother to buy bread at the bread shop. How I would always miss her and afraid that she would come back to pick me up so I would quickly eat and rush to the bread shop to look for her. (Best part: The bread shop auntie say I very pretty hehehehe) Also, I would sit down on the NTUC floor and wait my mom to but 4D/TOTO but would still look for her occasionally in case she left to look for me.

Sometimes I wonder if Singapore's education system and fast pace of life is ruining all of us.

Strike a pose

2010-04-03T17:42:00.003+08:00

I tell myself I don't deserve your shit. It has been ages since this started, just as how I had been tolerating. Seeing you as you are, I can confidently tell you that your acting is worse than one of a goldfish. What baffles me is how people accept that as a part of you, accept that you are what you portray as, when the truth is screaming out from your own mind that you are fake. After every smile of yours follows a slanting sight, you, looking out for the after effect of your acting. Looking upon your prey to believe your own lie - your very existence. Yet at times, you reveal yourself, your true self, but only when alone. When another party arrives, it comes back, faster than lightning. Do you really think after so many times of such situations, I will still believe you for who you are? Trust your character? I've seen through you. Long ago. Irony that I could only watch - look out for that smile, and turn away, yet peeping back for your slanting glance, awaiting your sight. I don't understand why I am so concerned about how you would feel, how I would crush and disintegrate your false pretence into nothingness. So here am I, swallowing the guilt for not exposing your fake poses, but also swallowing my own pride, pretending to take you for who you want people think of you. It is horrible, as though you pretending is not enough, you have to drag me down into a big game of pretence. At times, I am shocked at how stupid people are or perhaps how lucky you are, having people understand you for you false nature. Also, how those people who seen through, or at least doubt your personality, can just keep quiet as I am now. How can anyone tolerate such behavior? Whatever happened to the phrase of "The truth prevails?" Is there not such a thing? Will your life surround around lies forever? Why are you able to get away with this and manipulate almost everyone around you? Sometimes I secrectly hate you.

Crash

2010-04-01T21:37:00.002+08:00

I am so fucked up.
Life is so fucked up.

This is me.
This is life.

April fools is my day. I shouldn't even have beliefs. Nothing good is right. When the day ends, everything is crashed. No retracting. No apologies. They don't make a difference.

What happened to trust? Respect? Consideration? Logic? Dual point of view? Understanding? All gone down. I am disappointed in myself and the world.

Electric city on fire

2010-03-28T00:25:00.006+08:00

You gotta love Photobooth. (Y)

Life is awesome, I missed my chances in getting full marks for Amath, just passed for Emath, lost a potential lifesaver/teacher in SS, have a strong feeling about failing both SS and Ehist, flunking Physics and Chemistry, and having no life blogging about my studies. It's like my world revolves around studies already, MOE has officially psycho-ed me into making studies my everything.

Should I take Physics tuition? Because my Physics sucks and I wanna improve it. yet it seems like time is not on my side and so many chapters have passed. I need someone to like give opinion/advice and help me.

It's horrendous as it seems like both of my palms have kinda rashes like thingy and I am so freaked out. Since when my skin complexion sucks like bitch like that. Is it some kinda disease or illness? Cuz so many things are happening on me and I feel mad sickly. I have gastric, tummy aches for no reason, accident prone like kee siao, eye pain, sensitive nose. Seriously, I feel like someone deserved to be in bed 24/7. Ugly + sickly = suicidal HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another thing is that I am gaining weight everyday wtm ok. There must be a reason why what. My eating habits have been constant for these 15 years, yet I'm only gaining weight now. Every single day. Every single minute. Even now, when I'm blogging, I'm gaining like 10g/s. I am awfully weird.

“做錯事，應該要像個男人一樣，誠實面對事實，跟人家道歉。就算被一個壞孩子欺負了，不可以躲起來，要像一個男人一樣，抬頭，挺胸，勇敢面對”－任光晞

We love we live

2010-03-19T17:23:00.004+08:00

Into the 3rd month. This is life so far... (Faints)

I've been really catching up on life so far............ And neglected my studies. FREAKING MOM SOMEONE KILL ME OR SAVE ME. I don't know what to do and Os are coming and I'm here blogging while doing my Lit holiday homework. Omg someone motivate me leh plz plz plz.

Which brings me to another amazing part of the post............. I FRICKIN GOT 68 AND 1/2 FOR CHINESE COMMON TEST CAN ANYONE GIVE ME A PAT ON MY BACK CUZ 1ST TIME GET B3 FOR HCL SINCE SEC 3 OMG THIS IS A MIRACLE

Within reach

2010-02-28T21:10:00.002+08:00

♥

Hi ah gong altho you won't see this but I love you very very much. Today I was mad gan dong cuz I never realised how nice you are to me till now. : (

In my memories, you are quite a scary ah gong. Cuz sometimes when we do things that you don't like, you will shout then scare me. So I never really talked to you and though ah ma was way nicer. But today, altho I wasn't very hungry, I ate my dinner. This is because my mom told me that you kno I like the button mushroom, then actually never cook one. But you kno I like and I don't eat the fish, prawn, crabstick, fishball, veggie. (Sorry lar, picky eater) Then I like no food eat except the porky thing and abalone, so you specially take out the mushrooms for me. Wlao I love you very much lor then I very touched. I mean, I didn't kno that you knew what type of food I like to eat and you will pay attention and remember it.

Xie xie ni, for all the times you cooked so many nice nice food for us without fail. I promise to go ah ma house more often. : )

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ,
Sirong.

We love

2010-02-25T20:07:00.006+08:00

I am like satisfied with 2010 for some point of time...... Kinda thing.

Just wanted to update this dead space so can mia for Os next time hahahaha. Was shocked with Xcountry cuz it bonded our class in a weird way... Geez.

Sometimes... Life is spastic and unglam for me. Embrace my ill life, xin hao I am not the shortest can already hahaha.See? I'm not the shortest aw. I.need.to.turn.blacker.Kinda miss these guys. :( We need to catch up soooon.I wonder why we are so fascinated with Mr Zaid finding a place to sit. (Hints at Clara's most amazed facial expression)Conquering the ECP from area F to C is worth taking a photo for. Look at our happy/red/tired faces! Plus, extra notice to me being the tallest!

2 faced

2010-02-11T21:35:00.005+08:00

Another tidal wave after one has passed.
Just fuck it.
I mean... Thanks for acting like you all cared or whatever.
Fake smiles, fake talks, fake jokes.
Acting stops here.
It's fucking crazy how past can affect your whole life and comes back to haunt you. I don't know you all already....

I hate how I hate myself when I fail to reach my own expectations.
I hate how easily I lose to my emotions.
I hate when I know that I'm so vunerable.
I hate how people do little things that realy hurt me.
I hate how they do not know that.

On a lighter note, I kinda did ok for Physics test I think.

Why hide if you're gonna show it some time? Why try so hard not to hurt anybody yet they do freaking give a damn and hurt you back?

Hi

2010-02-03T22:24:00.003+08:00

I'M NOT DEAD. (YET)

School is turning into a hell hole now. Everyday spot check wlao then I not enough school socks don't want waste $ buy hahaha. But seriously... Sending people to wait while cutting hair eats into the lesson time, to think the school wants to push us to get back the old and sucky but nevertheless better grade of a Band 3 school. (Or better. *wink wink*)

WHAT IS THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!! Infringement of human rights!!!!!

I'm kinda tired yet happy yet idk weird feeling. It's been ages since I've been... Normal. Ok whatever but I'm the cheery person now. (Thank heavens) I think I'm going to visit the school councillor soon (Make full use of school admin thingo before I leave) to discuss about my future. I've already decided. I wanna be an author. Like... I want to express to everyone how life was like, how people felt at a specific point of time. Idk... But my command of English is terrible. So I wanna be those who is like English normal but it's the content that interests readers. Ok I don't know got such thing anot lar cuz I'm like not streetwise or well read.

Ranting, as usual, dry content, no pictures thx. Lastly, dedicated to my beloved Higher Chinese test tmrw:

I DON'T CARE A DAMN IF I PASS OR FAIL OR HAVE TO GO FOR REMEDIAL @ 7. READ 50 PAGES OF A BOOK, 50 CHENG YU, 20 MARKS WORTH OF CI YU. I'D RATHER FAIL IT. THX FOR MAKING MY LIFE SO DIFFICULT AND MAKING ME HATE U MORE. (Boast abit: Tho I got A1 for Chinese woohoo~)

A1A1A1A1A1A1A1

2010-01-11T20:58:00.002+08:00

I have taken the first step. It is indeed a surprise and a good start. I'm utterly shocked and the only word I can say is faith. I was pretty nervous myself when doing the paper, but I knew I worked hard, doing 90+ gong han questions WTF right. Since secondary school, Chinese was the subject I hated most!!!!!!!! And now I can safely say that I ♥ Chinese!!!!!!!!! And it's worth me staying late to study, shedding tears over it, worrying about it.

Now, I'm left with 8 more subjects which will depend what will happen to me!!!!! All the best people, never give in till it's over.
________

dana: Ok lar you sponsor me lor!! ;-)
vicky:D : Glad that I'm not alone!!! Hehehe.
alfred: You too ok, I'm like happy that you are bucking up now. No I reject DSA, I want to rely on my own abilities!!
HUIMIN: Good! : )

There's a fairy

2010-01-08T20:45:00.006+08:00

I'm taking the chances though I know I won't do well so -

I'm very tired since school started and the stress is just accumulating. It's like the emotional burden is so heavy that I feel like giving up after 5 days only. That kind of feeling is terrible. I wished that I was rich lor then can hire private tutor to help me with my studies. I really really want to get into Vj but it's just overwhelming, I don't know where to start revising or studying from. I think I should go find the school councillor to discuss with me hahahahaha wth. I don't know how am I going to face Monday, face my mother, face everyone. Suddenly I don't have the motivation to continue fighting this battle already. 6 points... Will I make it or break it?

Oh god it's so tiring and for the past few days rushing homework but yet at the same time still fiddling with the computer. I deserve to be lynched man.

- Please, save me.

想见你

2010-01-02T22:06:00.004+08:00

2009 - 2010

2nd day of the new year. Last year just felt like it was 2 days ago. Hahahaha because it is hahahahaha. Ok... But the year 2009 was really fast (till I don't know what words to use to describe) and I spent the whole year friggin doing absoluetly nothing (Rawr!) Yeah... Spent 3/4 of the year moaning, complaining, finding out what's wrong, killing myself slowly with my own thoughts etc. Looking back.. It was kind of stupid of me to keep holding onto the past without appreciating what's in front of me. (Or rather I tried but failed) Anyway just want to thank everyone out there who stood by me and lent me a listening ear for me to rant like crazy. I'm also grateful to those who sent me text messages to wish me a new start for the new year, things will get better, something like that the messages lar aiyah. I know it's just like common courtesy to sms such stuffs but it really meant alot. ♥

(Siao damn long paragraph)

Although 2009 was really an 'eat shit' year, but it made me grow stronger and since it didn't kill me, I shall forgive 2009. Another year of being a human... (I'm a Sec 4 now! And going to be 16!!!!)

I've transformed from........

(Ya I purposely chose this picture cuz I look so hardworking trying to spit out what I memorised for the 公函 and at the same time show how retarded Jeramyn looked like)

To........

Because of 2009, I've matured and changed a lot. Was discussing about this with Minyuan previously.

In 2008, I never studied for tests, never did homework, cheated a whole lot of times for all tests. In 2009, I panicked for the smallest test, did homework just for that 10% in CA marks.
In 2008, seized every chance to go out, play, have fun. In 2009, preferred to stay at home and rot than go out with friends.
In 2008, just aimed to get higher than Minyuan in everything (sorry, but this is cold hard truth heh). In 2009, aim for the impossible and tried to beat Yanlun (sorry, another scary truth) and succeeded!!!! But heng only...
In 2008, frickin mom sociable, don't know how I did it man. In 2009, I'm afraid of strangers cuz will imagine they kidnap me, they backstab me, whatever shit.
In 2008, very 小孩子气, playful, carefree and lazy. In 2009, sorta 看透人的真面目, stressed, emo (whatever ok). Sorry.. I'm still lazy cannot help it.
In 2008, I still didn't understand what's happening around me and I was kinda narrow-minded in a way that I only wanted to have fun. In 2009, (BIG BANG) a lot of things I thought I once had just vanished and my world was crashing down.
In 2008, I was 157cm. In 2009, I was 158cm. Die cannot grow taller already...
In 2008, I was rich. In 2009, I was poor. (Sorta... Hmm)
In 2008, I was retarded. n 2009, I'm less retarded. (I want to reach 10 but nothing to say already!!!!!!!!!!)
In 2008, I love chocolates. In 2009, I love milk. (YAY 10 DONE WOOHOO~)

Oya....... In 2009 I grew more pimples boohoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Wlao actually wanted to post a lot more things but now no mood already hahahahahaha eh this post is not emo ok this is called recollection of thoughts/ reflections. :D

Changing perceptions

2010-01-01T16:04:00.000+08:00

Whoooooooooo hi happy new year to all hehehehehehe.
Whatever omg I'm doing History holiday homework nowwwwwwwww.
And it's 4 already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just wanna put on my blog so that (whoever sees this) can remind me to do things I wanna do.

(Drum roll) New Year Resolution of 2010 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

#1 Get into Vjc
#2 For CA1 prelims whatever:

English C5 and above
Chinese B4 and above
Emath A1 and above
Amath 85 and above
Literature A1 and above
Combined Humans B3 and above
Chemistry A2 and above
Physics pass and above hahahahaha

#3 Be nicer to people (like more qin qie haha)

#4 Everything goes well for my brother in Maris Stella (Yes whoo he got in heng heng heng)

#5 Never to drop my new phone again

#6 More moneyyyyyyyy $.$ (Sorry but I really need monehhh)

#7 Less computer time, more motivation to study

#8 Do and hand in my homework punctually

#9 Phy tuition

#10 Be happy forever

Winding roads

2009-12-29T21:47:00.001+08:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG LIKE IN 6 MORE DAYS AND I'LL BE A SEC FOUR.
(LET ME BREATHE FIRST)

Pushing limits

2009-12-24T21:38:00.000+08:00

Hi people Merry Christmas in advance.
Wlao my blog is mother dead cannot take it.
Hmm.

Fun fact 1: I'm doing my Chem proj now.
Fun fact 2: I think I'm mega hardworking for some reason. :/
Fun fact 3: I dislike people who are late.
Fun fact 4: I dislike irresponsible people idk why.
Fun fact 5: I dislike inconsiderate people too.
Fun fact 6: All of the above is because I'm damn rigid so weird!
Fun fact 6: I think I can be a disciplinary master next time ha ha ha.
Fun fact 7: My mom also dislikes what I dislike!! Yayness!
Fun fact 8: I'm gonna write a letter to Santa tmrw!!!
Fun fact 9: I wasted 10 mins posting ridiculous stuffz.
Fun fact 10: I'm gonna stop here. Cuz it's 十全十美！

: )

Nothing you can say

2009-12-21T21:53:00.002+08:00

My phoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee virgin droppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp so fastttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Shoot me naoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo : ( : ( : (

P/s TMRW IS TANG YUAN DAY!!!!!!!

O levels gone wrong

2009-12-14T18:50:00.001+08:00

Hahahahaha damn funny omg.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=181425382000

Anyway anyway anyway!!!!!!!!! There's Pastamania @ Singpost! Which is pretty cool but whatever Parkway has it too. :/

Looking forward

2009-12-12T16:02:00.003+08:00

Helloooooooooooooooo humans!!!!!!!!!! Just wanna come here and share with you all something cuz today has been a miraculously mega happy day for me ya finally. I promise nao I will be happy and cheerful like last time starting from today onwards. Ya damn excited tho I kno this space rots till it's smellier than 臭豆腐 and no one visits or tags (mega sad face can you see it) : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( Ok but ya just wanna post this up cuz it's a turning point of 2009 the shit hole year thx thx I luv all of those who made a difference in my life especially this year. 我终于想通了！！！！！！！！Ok I sound like I'm getting an award of something but can understand me cuz I really very happy now. 12/12 is the day which my life is going to be much happier! Yay I'm like more optimistic now.

Sing me a song

2009-12-08T23:01:00.003+08:00

Do you succumb to the pressure of do you go against it? It'd be lying if you said that what others say does not affect your judgement. Wouldn't it be nice if you could bring people into your life instead of entering theirs?

Teach me how to do Chinese homework and teach my computer to accept the camera's memory card.
______

Alfred: Why? Hahaha now want also no chance. :/
justin: Ok it's you. Hi.

Bad luck comes to us

2009-12-03T15:07:00.005+08:00

Cute anot? He was like totally pure and innocent looking and fun loving till he change into an ugly monster nao. :-(

Anyway, just posting this up for him. Things will get better and you'll soon be acing subjects like you usually do.

______

javier: Sadistic much? :O

Eugene: I don't know... Seems like a way better choice. Thx alot.

Cheryl: Serious? Cool. Mmmm another day haha.

Untruthful

2009-12-01T22:14:00.005+08:00

What if I lied a lie?

After this terrible incident, I totally regret my decision. I shouldn't have come to Chung Cheng. Ya blame on me being damn stupid, I didn't know Chung Cheng was such a lousy, dirty, smelly, old, stupid school. I totally regretted me being afraid of going to a shcool with no one I know if not I'd be way better off with prolly straight As in Cedar.

It was a godsend for me to get like 248+2 for my PSLE. (Yes insanity for 3 years I thought I got 246+2 till now LOL) A pity I didn't treasure that chance to get myself starting for a better career next time. Dang.

Thinking again... My stand is still clear. If I was in Cedar... Horrible stuffz wouldn't have happened and I'd still be some silly nonchalant girl who lives happily. Ain't that good? And I won't be so... Thinking too much already and I'll be like super much carefree and happy and living a good life.

Yet what makes me puzzled is that you can change your thinkings. Everybody has two different thinkings, but what makes them take the stand is that that part is more dominant. So it's like saying... People have two sides so what's there to be angry with people with two faces? And what's worse is that sometimes you're one and you don't like others to be like that? And why do people notice changes in others when they didn't notice the more obvious change in them? This is so confusing I'm gonna take a break and drink ribena.

Love and peace to you all, if you can reach it.
______

mingzhe: No you're not. No I'm not. Have a good time overseas, get me something or you're meat! (I think it rhymes)
CLARA: Pardon me, I was real mad and sad at that moment. (Oh cool it rhymes again!)
yl: Yeah I was wondering that perhaps I did that... Dang I feel dumb.
justin: Are you Justin as in the mean Justin who always suan people? You tag people?!?!? Oh ya hi. :-) Oya... Can ah?

You asked me why was I so emotional... When you know it was you who caused it. Get the guilt. I hate you now. I hope I don't regret.

2009-11-29T16:23:00.003+08:00

OK FKING EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IS CTRL+ X.
I WAS TYPING MY FIFTH FKING PARAGRAPH OF THE ENG HW ON FACEBOOK THEN IDK WHAT THE HELL BUT I HIGHLIGHED EVERYTHING ON ACCIDENT AND CTRL+ X IT. THEN ALL GONE.

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO HAPPY SUNDAY!??!?!?!?!?! HUR HUR HUR I THOUGHT TODAY WAS A HAPPY DAY FUCK U ALL WHO ARE ENJOYING HOLIDAYS OR SUNDAYS OR WHATEVER.

The thing about inspiration is that it is momentarily. You get the inspiration, you rush forward, you make a masterpiece. Now you forget. And when you fucking delete it using some fucking shortcuts with some fucking bad luck, you fucking cannot get it back and you fucking cannot reproduce the same copy get it? Fuck it. Fuck facebook for not having a save button.

Please get through 232

2009-11-27T21:17:00.005+08:00

I just realised I expect a lot from myself and people around me. :/
Sometimes it become so stressful and I created a "whole new image" of myself being more superior than others, wanting more from myself, pushing myself to do things not within my reach. And when that happens, I blame myself for being unable to "do what I could do". And that part of me becomes so dominant that I want others to reach that expectation too. When they don't, I feel that they're incompetent and look down on them. I feel like such a bitch for being so mean.

Now, such a thing happened on someone close to me. When I saw * cry, I did feel a little sorry, but on the other hand, I felt embarrassed that I knew *. I never did expect * to go below my expectations, I thought * was in "my league". Yeah, needless to say, I spent the whole day (and forever, I know) rubbing salt in the wound although I did encourage *. See I'm being such a loser, not wanting to disclose what happened and who is that cuz I don't wanna acknowledge *. 2012 come and kill me.
______

gb: Pls lor I'm bleedin nice to her ok!
CLARA.: Errr no meaning. I just felt like it haha.
danllinq: No lor, so whitish pinkish brownish. And he's an animal.
HUIMIN: Errrrrrr ok when?

Just you, me, and the stars

2009-11-16T21:25:00.003+08:00

First. : ) Watch ok serious no kidding. (Threatening glare)

I'm in loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee rawr

2009-11-15T22:53:00.003+08:00

Just watched finish One Million Stars (超級星光大道)

There was this PK competition and like Anthony Neely (倪安東) wuz amazingly awesomely cutely hotly crazily godly!!!!! (Yes, do u get my point?!?!?!) Rawrrrrrrrrrrr I'm insane now.!!!

Before he even sung on his first appearance I was like thinking "Eh quite cute leh" Then when he sung I was "Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa". Like rawrrrrrrrrrrr omg 1) Cute 2) Good vocals 3) Damn imba singing 4) American but his Chinese damn good 5) CRAZILY CUTE WHY!??!?!??!?!?! (Pouts)

(Kills myself cuz he isn't a Singaporean)

Damn sadddening leh. Why ah Singapore is small lar, but at least have some talent also not bad right. But we have zero. Ok.... 1, which is 黄靖伦, who is quite cuz he looks blur. :B Btw, 黄靖伦 acted in 敗犬女王 as 阮經天's classmate. (Ok major drooling starts now) Omg I feel so excited now hahahaha. But rly main point again: Omg Anthony come be a Singapore citizen rawr!!

Plus in today's show, he sung with 林宥嘉 omg both of them owned. But the other group (Ok damn lazy to type their name cuz they're not the main point) not bad but not as good lor... But both got 25 (full marks) rawr why?? Ok, I admit maybe I'm biased, but to think again, I'm quite an impartial person, so maybe not hehehehehe.

Some damn cute pictures : )

And I think the first time when he got 25 points, he gave that awesomely 迷人的眼神 (Ok Idk whether the shen is correct anot but wtv you get my point) and the shocked expression and started being very happy. (Ya cute) Which kinda reminds me of Kris Allen's expression when he won American Idol..... But forget about Kris, go Anthony!!! :-)

So... Here goes my 1st post with so many Chinese characters... (Megawatt smile)

Reality check

2009-11-13T21:13:00.004+08:00

Hey !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : )
Ok random thought of the day: What happens if you get scared half to death twice consecutively? :O Will the person like die or sth?

NARU DAMN KEWT

2009-11-11T19:04:00.003+08:00

Hehehehehehe omg hi hi hi. : )
You knowwwwwwwwww like todayyyyyyyyyy I'm damn happyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok you don't know. So I'm telling you now.
Like idk why too but I'm suuuuuuper glad and yea.
I think it's the chocolates, cuz I ate the whole slab of top deck and I'm like hyper now. :D

I think I wanna be a pilot nxt time but it's impossible cuz like I wear spectacles hahaha. By the way, I kill 2 mozzies today. Victory is mine V^^V Ok I'm chomping down another slab bye bye don't miss me too much!

P/s I got 26/30 for my O lvl MCQ... If I'm not wrong. : (
______

zhiwei: Hahaha like since 2006 is it. Where chalet hur hur ?? Ok we see we see ; )
HUIMIN: Yep ok! Eh... You confirm get le, left me not confirm yet. :/

I don't climb 30 storeys just to fall down

2009-11-10T21:03:00.004+08:00

The Os are over... For now. (Prays for A1 pls pls, I see the glimmer of hope)
Have (not) been slacking, reading storybooks when I have the time. : )
Just read finish "A Photogenic Life" by Low Kay Hwa. Note: I'm not tui guang- ing the book, but really very nice! And the author very weird lor, every book must mention his own name then happy.

Ok sorry I sidetracked. But I recommend you all read this book, super can relate, sad story, but yet applies to all. I confirm for you. It's... Kinda weird hmmm it's like these books (Yup, all those he wrote) are meant for teens cuz it really shows understanding and recognition - what we need now. Damn sad when I saw this phrase "Why must I play the role of a strong daughter in front of my teachers and a contented girl in front of my classmates? Why must I keep on telling everyone around me that I am the best, by putting on the multiple masks of disguise for different people?" Yes, I experience it. It's really........ Makes me think of myself, then made me felt like cursing the author who (actually) managed to understand how I feel. (Swears swear swears) 1st. I swear, 1st person. Can the author be my best friend? Hahaha.

Altho I'm still going through that phase of life... Hmm I think I will soon understand the ending, why they wanted to give up on posing the best posture for the camera. Cuz I believe I can try to change the reality. K done so go read that book go go go go go go go!

Yes, cuz I'm acting can't you see, that I'm superior?

Reng

2009-11-08T21:17:00.001+08:00

Nowadays have been shit.
But who doesn't shit?
And don't get shit?
Ya nobody~
So I've been getting shit all these while.
And I'm trying to be happy about it~
______

Tuition has been awesome. If only the teacher realised that by pissing me off, I won't like her, when I don't like her, I don't like Chem. I ought to teach her that. (Coughs, irony) I am like in love with oxidation numbers cuz they're so co0o0o0o0o0oo0l and something along the lines of Maths... So me like. : ) Buuuuut, I also realised that people could be sooooo easily replaced in friendship, pfffffht bummer. Friendships eat my dust I don't need you but you need me so come beg mommy!!!!!!!

Anyway to all people feeling depressed or want to die or do whatever nonsensical stuff, come see me! I can be a helping hand to slap you and force you to face reality cuz I'm such a professional counsellor woohoo~ I'm like so kewl. : )

Life is damn suay, or at least mine. 1st bleedin time I hop on stairs, in the end kena both legs pain. : (

Chinese 2 more day 2 more days 2 moooooooooooooooooore.

Farewell

2009-10-30T19:28:00.006+08:00

Last day of school 2008.

We were so happy. Not a drop of tear shed, only a part of us that doesn't want to separate from 2 years worth of memories. The rest of our minds, concentrated on what the next year is going to bring us, what class we're going to go to, who is our classmates.

Narrow-minded.

Hundred percent of me was happy. Happy that I got to know so many wonderful friends, happy that a year passed, happy cuz of the assurance that I'm going to still meet up with my friends, happy that everyone around me was happy.

Stupid.

Little did I know, that at the same block, a level or two above, there were cries. Heartwrenching moments, tears and fear. All I thought about the parents in the school that their job was just to reprimand their children for under performing. And that students should be all happy that another year of joy awaits them.

Now I know.

That among those parents, half of them gives their children encouragement and acceptance - to support them for going through yet another year of the same level. Retaining. Expelling. Now I know, that how those who cried felt, for I've experienced it. PUMP. I have not even know PUMP existed and how people dread it. I thought that PUMP was for those weakest people in the level. I was wrong. Upon seeing my friends and classmates getting such blows, I could not take it anymore.

Last day of school 2009.

Fear was written on single individual face. The feeling of wanting to know the ending of an unknown result. It was terrible. This is the first time I'm experiencing it. I'm thankful that I'm not directly involved. Because I know it would be a mental breakdown, I cannot take it. My heart goes out to everyone who 'did not make it'. Reality is indeed harsh. This affects everyone. This is the day where you would see so many people crying, even those whom you thought were cheerful could break down. You would hear many stories about what they are going through, and how this added on to their worries. Nobody wanted this, but yet it happens. For a moment, I was bursting with anger with people who could still appear nonchalant or even happy. I hated all those lower secondary students, who felt like the foolish me last year. Then, all just went down. Tears welled up in my eyes, I felt to terrible that my close friend retained. I knew he wanted to just sit there and cry, but he didn't. Perhaps it was the last shred of dignity he could keep, I don't know about that. All I know is that he deserved more, but the rational side of me felt that he deserved it for he didn't work hard for what he wanted. But yet, I felt sorry, sad, fearful for him.

No matter what has happened now, Mingzhe, treasure your last chance. Go for your assessment, give you best shot. We'll be here to help you. To everybody whom have been affected by this, cheer up. If you have the chance, treasure it. If you don't have, work harder. Danling, I know you can do it.

(Edit: OMG I think I very emotional rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

2nd point

2009-10-22T21:26:00.003+08:00

Hadn't had a much decent and accessible post for you guys to read.
Just a thought:

As much as people hate their own fears, nobody thought that having fear is better than having none. If you fear, you stop, you limit. But a fearless person turns that courage into greed. He wants more, he can't stop, he looks forward. Now, the greed gets more and more. Hmm.. Like somewhere I heard before "Greed is a big monster with a small mouth" He can't get enough of everything, thus, he aims higher, wants more to satisfy itself. Without fear, nothing can stop you. Even a murderer has fear of getting caught, or guilt that catches up with that impulsion of killing. So think again, is it better to have fear than have none?

Cuz I know of someone with no fear.

With our names carved onto the 3rd window

2009-10-20T20:46:00.003+08:00

18 of October was the 1st time in this year I was so happy, and that it was the only day that went smoothly. I want everyday to be 18 October. : )

Fresh start for now

2009-09-25T21:35:00.004+08:00

FINE. No sad sad posts.
But I blog when I sad so that I no need men qi what.... LOL.
Tmrw Emath.
I'm pia-ing.
But now rest my brain.

I suddenly remembered the damn cute dimply person lar tmd didn't see him for the last time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah!!!!!!!!!!!! Regret!!

+ Omg I just realised that my playlist no sound!!!!!!!
++ I watched finish bai quan nv wang. (Wtf happened to my Hansvision how come cannot type Chinese?)

gb: LOL Ok ok hehehehehe.
alfred: Ya... I wonder. I think I'm negative by nature, that's why. :O

FTF

2009-09-24T22:08:00.003+08:00

When to trust a person?
I always thought I was strong to withstand all types of bullshit, that my will to fight with never wither up. I could be alone, mentally, and not care a shit about others. But yet, I always end up crumbling in fear, crying. Why so?
I feel so contradicting and I just...... Don't know what I want anymore.
I used to have a plan for myself (+ future). But when a friend questioned it, I'm afraid of the idealistic future me I wanted to be.
A friend I was certain about, now I'm having doubts. Is it just me?

+++++++ Emath and Chem test on Saturday to end this on a lighter note.

:-(

Ho-hum.
______

benedict: :-)
danliinq: Sure thing.
mingzhe: I noticed the change in name.
VIVIENNE: Glad u are.
alfred: I like lit. :-)
WAN.TING: Yup, study hard!

Fuck u

2009-09-19T20:21:00.001+08:00

My family life is just a concentrate of the The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds: 3 Beatrices, and 2 Ruths.

Kill me before I get to kill you.

I needa pee

2009-09-15T22:17:00.003+08:00

Me happy.

Quanli: LOL WHAT DUMB. You dumber pls.
kc: Went. U owe me mee pok + drink lar u bitch.
benedict: Lol I quit le, but sometimes still log in Aquila.
danliinq: So weird lor... This type of thing u also know, bo liao lar. :)
kevon:D: Lol eat ice cream! :D
huixian: No prob, rly awesome! Nxt year perform too! ^^
kc: Shhh u noisy owe me food somemore dare talk.
yl: Mine not lar. Your sentence really like lor pls!
vicky:D : Aw thx Licky. ^^
yinghui: Ah Monday Monday.
VIVIENNE: But I don't love vans... 'Cept u hahaha, luv u!
gb: Ya lor gb I damn touched omg I swear how come u so nice ah. Ya good things like me getting 23 for Amaths. ^^ Hehe pwn u.

Fuck I can't forget you

2009-09-08T23:59:00.004+08:00

Realised I turn to blogger whenever I'm in the worst shape.
I feel like a total bitch right now.
I feel sad and emo whatever sai u name it.
Why people give false hopes?
Nobody can really understand you.
Even when they say they do.
And then they break your heart.
And seems like they don't care at all.
Why are humans so evil?
The world should really end and kill all of mankind - those goddamned bastards.
Ya like you.
Blogs sucks.
Ironic, I'm counting on a blog when no one can listen.
Why can't I sleep?
Tmrw got school....
I like school.
School have people.
At least people with more brains.
I've been growing some fugly pimple-like things on my face.
It can't be puberty I swear!!!!
I think it's my sleeping late that affects it.
Screw it. I'm getting uglier by the minute.
And to add onto it, I'm not thinking straight.
And my 4 year old cousin plays Grand Theft Auto.
Suxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We repel too much

2009-08-31T23:12:00.002+08:00

Why does my father always dissuades me from doing things I'm passionate about? Explanantion pls.

On a lighter note, went back to Rosyth (finally) and ate mee pok!!!!! Ok super scam money wlao last time 80 cents omg. -.- Mmm... ... Met Cheryl, Ivy, Nicholas, Yurui, Sherman. Mrs Teh forgot me....

BUT I ATE MEE POK OMG!!

60306!!!!!!!! Nxt time spam visit kkkkkkk. :-)

2009-08-28T22:19:00.000+08:00

Why is it always when one is alone that the pain comes back?

We could try to remember

2009-08-28T21:27:00.011+08:00

School is super shit. Really, I've run outta vocabulary to describe omg. I've been eating and eating and eating to make me more full.... And happy. Ok serious whatever, the main point is I'm eating like there's no more tmrw!! This is frickin scary and I might turn into a fat ass like by the time it's December.

Chinese lesson really nothing better to do. C'mon lar, Chan Sock Mun can do nothing to us, which is really bad. But still, reminds me that.......

I PASSED MY CHINESE TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ Pearl keeps feeding me food. Tons of pocky, milo omg cannot take it.But still happy cuz got foooooood hehehe. ^^v But she pass her spasticness to me. Bad.

Thousands of years since everyone was present at grandma's house. Missed them so much aww. :-) Been so long since we last went out...... Got together...... Did something stupid...... And not sleep within 5 mins upon sitting on the bed. Hectic life suxxxxxxx. :-( Wonder what will happen 5 years from now. I don't wanna lose grip of what I have now..... Sux. Yeah so about the dumb things we used to do... (Just to add onto it, my brother is a bad photographer)Childhood was really sweet. When everybody could fit into the storage room and made a club. Now 1 person whole room no space. Whyyyyyyy I think a small kid gets more kick outta life than me. Which rly sucks, small kiddos are idiots. (Clenches fists)Just...... Something to add onto gossips. Co has been real boring w/o gossips... :B

"Memories were fine but you couldn't touch them, smell them or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment was, and they faded with time" - P.s. I love you

Slowly forgetting this friendship.

I've overlooked this part of you

2009-08-24T22:48:00.001+08:00

2 friends trying to gain acceptance/ recognition, except in 2 different ways. The only thing to do is to eliminate, by betrayal.

This is pain

2009-08-21T23:31:00.002+08:00

Today I woke up feeling very tired. I took my toothbrush and squeezed toothpaste onto my hands unknowingly. And I rubbed my eye which turned super minty and pain after that. Dammit.

Back to normal?

2009-08-17T20:10:00.004+08:00

Sux lor wlao. Maple hates me!!!! I got an under average scanda wl (U)

Ok besides that...... Today was hell. Yes omg did u realise everyday is hell for me?!?! School's a drag, home's a drag, even having fun with friends is a drag. How boring. :O

Yup, but I had my fair share of fun and excitement these few days and I'm really damn happy. ^^v Ok I will take some classic pictures of people in my class and post them up so my blog won't look so....... Pictureless. -.- Ahhhhhhhh stressed. Oya we had awesome-ly alot of free periods today hehehehe so fun I like. But I think I'll die during feature arcticle test omg. @.@ But still........ Weird game + Prank call/sms + Hannah Montana + My cool phone game = A.w.e.s.o.m.e. \m/

Seriously check this out. Discrimination against 'last class in level'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:(